20/20

Last week, I attended my last graduation at my alma mater, Teaneck High School, as my youngest sister matriculated from the 12^th grade. It was one of those sweltering 105 degree days, but neither the heat nor my grueling trip on the Megabus that day could stop me from witnessing one of the biggest days of my baby sister’s life. As I beamed with pride and excitedly uploaded pictures onto my Instagram page, I couldn’t keep my mind from drifting back to this same moment almost 10 years ago (Lawd, I’m getting old, lol). I was walking across this same stage with the appearance of having accomplished it all. I was a National Honor Society student with a nearly perfect GPA. I was already accepted and had been offered a scholarship from one of the most illustrious HBCUs in the country, Hampton University (The REAL HU for those who don’t know, lol). I had been the captain of the Varsity Girls’ Basketball team for the past two years. I was all set to study biology and become a sports medicine extraordinaire of the NBA. It seemed that I had it all figured out, but nothing could prepare me for the reality of the years to come.

I started my freshman year pretty much where my high school years left off. I was on the Dean’s List in the School of Science. I was on the University Choir and I started an intramural women’s basketball team. In the spring of 2004, I hit a wall. It was time to pick classes for sophomore year and the curriculum ahead was extremely intimidating. As I looked at the advanced Calculus and Physics classes I had to take, I could feel my hair falling out just thinking about it. I was afraid that the challenge would get the best of me, so I did what a lot of Christians do. I made a decision first…and then I prayed. I remember praying one evening as I left my biology class and headed to the HU Pirates basketball game.  “Lord, I’m changing my major to broadcast journalism. Please give me a sign that this is the right decision. In Jesus’ Mighty and Precious Name, Amen!”

You probably won’t believe me, but exactly 30 seconds later, a group of journalism students who were doing live coverage of the basketball game, asked to interview me on-camera. I couldn’t believe it. God answered me in less than a minute! You can imagine my immediate sense of confidence as I entered the Registrar’s Office the next day and officially registered as a Broadcast Journalism major with dreams of seeing my face on television. But as the years went by, I became less certain about the decision I made. By senior year, I had completed several internships at reputable television networks and completed most of my coursework, but I felt like something was missing. My initial pipe dream of becoming the next Gwen Ifil had shifted to becoming a radio personality and then finally to being a producer working behind the scenes. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. My grades had even slipped a little, because my heart wasn’t in it.  When I graduated and started working for a TV network in NYC, it became even more obvious that I had made a huge mistake. My lack of passion did not mesh well with the lifestyle of a TV producer. I worked 12-hour days, didn’t get paid enough to live on my own, missed Christmas celebrations, worked on weekends and got chewed out on a regular basis. It was torture! The thing that really made it clear that I was in the wrong place was the fact that my coworkers LOVED their jobs. They came in with bright-eyed excitement about the day ahead as I trudged in angry at the world, pondering my ‘what ifs.’

What if I had just stuck it out with biology and trusted God to help me as He had before?

What if I would have actually sought the Lord’s guidance BEFORE deciding to switch my major?

What if I would have done some research before making either decision?

Hind sight is always 20/20, but those questions still haunt me to this day. Nonetheless, God has shown favor over my life and has blessed me in spite of making an important decision without really consulting Him. If I could talk to myself at that age, I would have told myself first and foremost to trust the Lord to give me clear direction. I would have told myself not to give up just because I was scared. I would have reminded myself of all the other challenges He had gotten me through up to that point and would have realized that He would do the same in that situation. I would have done some research and realized that a career in television DID NOT fit neither my personality nor my immediate personal goals of moving out on my own and doing other things that I enjoy.

One thing I can do now is encourage others who may be starting their college career or entering a new phase in their lives to do the opposite of what I did. Take my example and understand the value of doing your research before making important decisions. And NEVER make a decision first and then ask for God’s blessing on it. Remember that He loves you and knows what is best for you, so it’s okay to trust Him. With Christ, all things are possible, so there should be no room for fear in your heart if you really trust Him. But most importantly, remember that even when we do something that we consider a mistake, God is always faithful. He is able to turn something that is not so good into something amazing!

Priceless...

She stood no taller than 5 feet six inches and weighed less than 125 pounds. She came from humble beginnings and spent most of her youth working hard to provide for her only child by herself. On a modest paycheck, she did her best to provide a roof over their heads and clothing on their backs. As her child grew older, she quickly became known as the popular mom on the block because she provided a safe and fun environment for the neighborhood kids to escape the vicious streets of West Philadelphia. As she got older, she gave all of what little she had just to put smiles on her grandchildren’s faces. And although she wasn’t exactly overflowing in financial abundance, she was filled to the brim with something far greater than anything else. Love.

That was Ms. Ross. When my best friend first introduced me to her grandma, I felt like we already met because of all the stories I heard about her copious generosity, love and unforgettable punch lines.  Ms. Ross’ reputation definitely preceded her, and as the years began to pass by, I witnessed first-hand a woman whose love penetrated deeply into everything she did. This lady, who was well into her seventies, never considered it a burden to load up her car with her bright red suitcases and drive more than 150 miles by herself just to be a part of every special moment her family encountered. From graduations to birthdays to Easter dinner, we all could count on seeing those red suitcases sitting at the front door. Whether it was a special occasion or not, Ms. Ross always knew how to show her love and guess what – it didn’t involve a dime.

Last month, we all said goodbye to that sweet lady. At the homegoing service, I found myself reflecting on the legacy that Ms. Ross left behind and the impact she made on the lives of everyone she encountered - - without money. It made me think of how we all can get caught up in our obsession over money and “things.”  For me, this obsession started early. As a child, I remember resenting my aunts, uncles and even grandparents because they were unable (or unwilling) to give me things like my parents did.  And because so much emphasis was placed on who gave what for each occasion in my life, I thought that was the only acceptable way to be loved. Of course, there were some relatives who did give me things but spent no time with me. Those relationships were built solely on the money they spent. Once I became an adult, I found out later that their presence alone would have meant much more to me than their presents.

If I could go back to my childhood, I would have shared with my family that they didn’t need to buy me something in order to be a good auntie, grandma, and so on.  Now I understand that just seeing their suitcase at the front door would have been all I needed. As I said goodbye to Ms. Ross that day, I was reminded of God’s command to love others.  I too, want to be known for how much I loved, not by how much money I gave. I want Christ's love to be evident in the way I live my life--not just by the words I write. When we leave this earth, we can’t take anything with us and eventually, our possessions will fade away. But the way we treat others will live on forever. And it doesn’t have to cost a thing.

The Game of Football

This past Fall, my dare-devil best friend encouraged (dragged) me onto an all women's flag football team for the first time in my life. Basketball had been my sport of choice since the 10th grade, so I wasn't sure of what I was getting myself into and that scared me. Not to mention the fact that I am really shy and never like to leave my comfort zone. However, she persuaded me to give it a shot and if I totally sucked, I could quit. Little did I know it would become one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life.

One of the first things we had to do as new football players was understand our roles on the field. Because of my size and speed (my catching ability came later) the coaches assigned me to the Wide Receiver spot. They helped get me into football shape and showed me how to run my routes and catch the ball properly. When I got comfortable with that, then I was given the plays. I think learning the plays was the hardest part of football for me because I am the kind of person that needs to understand why I am doing something. Football was a completely new sport for me so nothing made sense to me at all and it was really hard for me to follow along. On the other hand, basketball allows a lot of room to improvise. You can deviate from the play if you see an opportunity to undermine the defense and for the most part, you won't get cussed out for it. But I learned quickly in football that one slight deviation from the given play can result in a loss of downs, an interception or even worse, an injury. So eventually, I decided that the best way to approach this game was to stay in my lane and complete my assignment as directed. If the play called for me to stand my ground and block my defender out of the play instead of trying to outrun her for a deep touchdown pass, I had to trust that my coaches knew best. The end result was that things usually turned out for everyone's benefit.

Life is a lot like that. Many times, I find myself deviating from God's plan and trying to undermine the opposition on my own. Usually, that opens the door for Satan to push me off course, block one of the blessings God has for me, and lots of times, it causes me a lot of pain. When we as Christians choose to deviate from God's plan, that's our way of telling God that we know better than He does. We got this. But we're sadly mistaken. Since God allows us to make our own decisions, we often do things without His consent but then we ask for His blessing in the meantime. That's just not going to work - Ever. I keep reminding myself that God has been doing this way longer than I have. Just like a coach on the football field, Jesus played the "game" before. He knows all the right routes and schemes that can fool the opposition in any situation. All I have to do is study the plays (in His Word) and execute. When I do, I can't go wrong and you guessed it -- TOUCHDOWN.

Breaking the Silence...

Truth be told...I created this blog site earlier this year, but it has taken me until now to find something to write about. In my typical overly-analytical way, I over-thought this concept of blogging and lost sight of my purpose for starting a blog in the first place. After a lot of encouragement from friends and after reading another excellent blog site called Walk With Me (Walkwithme365.blogspot.com) I found my inspiration to give this thing an honest try. 

In the more recent years of my life, I have been mostly known for my quiet, shy personality. Many times, I found safety in keeping my mouth shut--not letting anyone into my thoughts about much of anything. I often found myself lost in the crowd as my overwhelming fear of not being accepted began to overcome my ability to speak. The crazy thing is that I haven't always been that way. And to be honest, I'm not like that in "real life" either.  Ask anyone close to me and they will all tell you that it's hard to get me to shut up sometimes. But that's how I am. I usually don't say anything unless I deem it important enough to say. I actually have an opinion about a lot of things, but I allowed my own insecurities, the devil's lies and other people to make me feel like my opinion didn't matter.

It wasn't until my relationship with Jesus Christ began to grow that I finally understood what it means to be free. Captivity starts in the mind -- what we tell ourselves that we can't do. I eventually learned that anything is possible and I want to show that to you through this blog.

Writing Under the Influence (let's call it WUI from now on) is my microphone, my podium, my sounding board and your window into the inner workings of a very complicated mind. WUI exists because of the influence Christ has been in my life. At times, I am going to be unbelievably transparent and tell you things that you may not agree with, but that's the beauty of this new chapter I'm starting in my life. This is my way of showing you how good God is and His outlook on the things we care about. Stay tuned and enjoy this journey with me!